Joyent’s Manta system is closest to a ‘bring code to the data system’ as I’ve seen: https://www.joyent.com/blog/hello-manta-bringing-unix-to-big.... Though geared more to data processing than serving traffic.
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Yes, I'd love to be able to use Manta every day. It's pretty crazy to write a simple shell pipeline and have it actually run not on my local machine but on all the data nodes.