Functional programming is like speed controls for trucks. It enables people who have cognitive blockage to produce some work for the company. So it's going to be promoted over and over.
Java also supports functional elements (though I'm not implying it's a functional language in the slightest).
I could have an optimistic view of programmers, but I feel like that article is heavily slanted towards CS education, which is taught by people who intrinsically understand computer science. I work with people who are definitely not even approaching the middle of the bell curve in terms of skill and efficiency. They still produce work in imperative programming, and without introducing catastrophic levels of instability into the system.
I'll absolutely agree that it's not good for applications that don't need it's complex machinery. Half my side projects are written in java, and probably could be easier in python.
I'm not sure your metaphor really works here, as you're implying that Java is inherently less efficient/worse than Javascript or Clojure.
There's a huge difference between startup culture and corporate culture.