I have male friends who get approached by women in bars, rather than the other way around. I guess their advice would be "go to bars and just wait, someone will notice you." I go to bars and this has never happened to me in my life.
back
4 comments
I’m reasonably good looking, but I’m really into weightlifting so I guess that’s why women will approach me first sometimes. There are genetic limits to strength but fitness and being in shape are psychologically attractive to women. A lot of guys would be attractive if they would at least do the minimum requirements for maintaining their health. But I digress.
Guys who complain about women ignoring them are usually themselves ignoring lots of women around them who would be suitable for them but they aren’t good enough for whatever reason. I’ve seen it SOOOOO many times when average looking guys complain about how shallow girls are or how good looking guys have it easy (this second point isn’t exactly completely untrue mind you) yet they still focus on the most classically attractive women they know or at the bar wherever who are out of their league.
If average looking guys were to spend more time on themselves- grooming, having a hobby outside of work/tv/games, fitness, reading a book once in a while- they would be surprised to see how the world around them will change.
Also there are lots of good girls who may not be supermodels looking to date regular guys. At least give them the green light once in a while.
I'd go out with two friends: one was very fit/muscular and charismatic, the other was tall and functionally mute.
The tall guy was constantly approached by women. Never saw it happen with the fit guy. Anecdotal sure, but the results were consistent across many bars and clubs.
All that to agree with the ancestor comment about taking this kind of "if you build yourself they will come" advice with a grain of salt.
Girls love tall guys. This is true. I’m also willing to bet that your tall mute friend is more attractive than you probably realize. Being tall for all I care could be the male version of having big boobs. This doesn’t change anything about what I said.
Please imagine how much worse your friend would have it if he were overweight and boring.
Also, you should build yourself irregardless of women. Reading is good for you. Exercise is good for you. Having a passion is good for you. Coincidentally, these are all signifiers of someone who would be a good dad.
Most guys are clueless how women approach men and often don’t even realize when women are coming onto them. It’s never (or rarely) as crass as “hey let’s fuck”. It’s more like they take initiative to say hi first and ask follow up questions.
Maybe your fit friend is too passive??
You could be right that the tall guy's face was more attractive than the fit guy's, who's too say.
My point is the fit guy didn't meet the threshold for being approached by women while the tall guy did. It relates to what you originally said by suggesting there could be plenty of guys, even a majority, for whom no amount of self-improvement will boost them above that threshold.
Anyway even if thats the case, it's still a good idea to take care of yourself and cultivate your interests regardless of their application to dating. And being approached by women isn't at all necessary for a successful dating life.
Actually, I’m mostly commenting on this notion that good looking people give bad dating advice because they are playing the game on easy mode and their insight would be meaningless to below average looking people.
Here’s an analogy: If you were trying to learn how to play basketball, would you take advice from someone who isn’t very good at the game but shares the same disadvantages as yourself or would you listen to what Allen Iverson has to say?
This is kind of how the argument being presented here sounds to me. Obviously, Iverson won’t get you into the NBA but I would listen to him.
Good looking people may come across as arrogant when they say to be yourself or take care of your self but it’s still true.
I wouldn't say the dating advice is bad, nor arrogant, just that it isn't as generally applicable as one might think. Of course that assumes you, to whom I'm replying, are actually tall.
It'd be like getting football advice from a 190-pound wide receiver when you weigh closer to 300. Some of the advice will still be good, but it does ignore a key difference, and you'd be better off hearing advice from offensive linemen, who'd be in your weight class.
>spend more time on themselves- grooming, having a hobby outside of work/tv/games, fitness, reading a book once in a while
All of this is nice activity, but not if you're faking yourself or faking it to yourself. I've read a whole home library (est. eight shelves each 1m wide), but not interested in reading anymore. Does that count? And no way I'm going have a hobby out of my interests purely for dating purposes. PC games are not about playing mario, it's the world of problems, solutions and efforts¹. If you cannot see that, or never seen that, you're likely "stereotyped basic" to me rather than "more evolved". This advice advises me to being "not me" in a most disturbing way possible. And for what? To see a shallow glimpse of interest and then proceeding to that plain chit chat until it comes to lust, if it ever does. The pretence is big but in the end it is either ONS or a family/dating life without all these cool entry attributes.
The problem with non-supermodels is that they have all the exact downsides and quirks. It's not easier after the date and they do not market-value themselves less, like you expect.
¹ I have a buddy who is a racer, country-level. We sometimes talk about his problems (beyond astro money spent on a single race) and it seems that my trackmania canyon (e-sports) progress has many similar issues like apex, drag, curve trade-offs, entry points and so on. Yes, I'm not experiencing hard pulls on a wheel and 80kg force to brake in timely manner, and I don't account for a tire wearout, but if you try to make it close even to my 2 years old PBs, you'll have a hard time for sure. And when you compare us, he is a sports man and I'm a jerk who plays mario cart. Sigh.
Upd.note: I used "you" at some places, where it should read "they". It is not intended to be personal in any way.
There's nothing wrong with having a nerdy hobby. But if you expect to find a romantic partner, limiting yourself to people who share your enthusiasm on this one thing is playing the dating game on extra hard mode.
It's way easier if you have a few interests that others can relate to, like going to concerts or going to the theater or rock climbing or whatever.
It's not "faking it" when you do something outside your comfort zone, I'd see it more as "expanding your horizon".
I see logic in this, but sequitur is that his hobby must leave him with no dates at all, which is so far from reality. Of course "racing" can be more easily related to, but this interest is shallow as I described. I bet that he speaks to me about these details because barely somebody else can understand it and has the same level of interest in it. Not even because I do e-racing (he's unaware of that), just because tech details are not popular, but money and fame are.
Back in the days when I went to bars, I'd tease a handsome friend of mine that his pickup line was "ok".
I am 6’7” and have met most relationships in bars. They usually begin with the woman saying something like, “OMG how tall are you!?”
I think you’ll find that this is a sub-optimal strategy for acquiring the benefits of stable partnership.
I think you'll find that if you learn what "300bps" means that your relationship advice might be wasted effort. ;)
For me the ban on smoking in bars was a great leveler, smokers would have to go outside and hang out with people that are all in different groups inside and everyone would chat to each other. Obviously "take up smoking" is bad advice, but is there anything else that forces cross group interaction like this?
Taking up smoking may be bad advice, but keeping your (smoker) buddy company outside sounds like a reasonable way to mingle.