I might be willing to give this a shot. I appreciated the charm and humor in the original, but especially for readers who don't have English as a first language it probably gets in the way of the message.
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Here are the first few sections: https://gist.github.com/raphlinus/f6b34f85d63c4b73a0242481ed...
I'll keep going if there's positive feedback, delete it if the author doesn't appreciate it.
This is so much easier to read, thank you
I like it. It still carries a little bit of whimsy and puts a smile on my face (while nodding).