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This is quite darkly hilarious tbh. And consistent with my experience of Blackpool.

I once went there on couple-week-long driving course when I was a teenager, hoping but eventually failing to get my license. I was put up in someone's house that was run as a sort of unlicensed b&b. The entire place, the curtains, the linen, the pillow,.. all smelled of old nicotine and damp. On my first evening I went out by myself to a fish-and-chip shop, feeling like a silly city boy in a greasy gritty concrete town. Stuck out like a sore thumb. I remember walking, late evening, lonely, on a bridge over the railtrack. The entire place felt deserted, metallic and concrete.

I went back to my room and ate the oily chips on my bed. After the first day with an old crusty – but perfectly lovely driving instructor – and a rather large heavy-haulage driver who was renewing a license, we went out for some drinks. Beers. Lots of beer. And they took me to a gay club – of which there are oddly many in Blackpool – because they thought it'd be a laugh. It was actually a massive spectacle for me. It was the first time I saw older men kissing, right there, by the entrance on a old tawdry sofa. I was still on a journey of coming out, so it felt oddly enlightening or validating or something. It was an old-england gay club – the type you hear about in the era of stonewall.

The entire town was like a time capsule to a poorer apocalyptic britain. Betting shops, cheap nail salons, boarded up derelict buildings everywhere! Even the beach was deserted. It reflected the same depressing crumbling economy of coastal towns all over the UK. It felt like a shadow of its former self, but somehow, there was a old english magic to it that I can still feel. My nostalgia is probably getting the better of me, but I remember it fondly.

So yeh I think I understand this SLS thing. In places like Blackpool – forgotten remnants - you can feel the depression in the paving stones – the grey withering vitality – swallowing you whole.

13 comments

(beautiful writing, as others have said!)

> the same depressing crumbling economy of coastal towns all over the UK

I'm surprised to hear that coastal towns in the UK are doing poorly. In North America, it's generally the coastal areas that are more prosperous.

Was it overbuilding during the era of British sea power? Or a great sucking-up of wealth by London?

It makes me wonder if, long term, seaside areas would make good places to buy property. Surely, on the whole, they have more natural beauty than inland areas.

The advent of cheap flights made holidays within Europe affordable to most people. As a consequence, traditional UK holiday destinations became much less popular. Over time old-fashioned guest houses, B&Bs and cheap hotels transitioned into very low cost housing for people with 'problems'. The inevitable doom spiral began...

Destinations on the South Coast were not affected in the same way though and have remained a popular choice with more affluent clientele.

The South Coast towns got pretty badly run down in the 80s and 90s but mostly it recovered or is recovering.

Brighton reinvented itself as a party town and creative hub thanks to Norman Cook and its large student and gay scenes and its fast links to London.

Worthing and Eastbourne became popular spots to raise a family for London telecommuters (two days a week in a London office is viable from there, and property is a fraction of the price).

Margate and Folkestone became artistic hubs, after the last of ex industrial inner London got redeveloped.

Whitstable became a foodie mecca and well-heeled daytripper spot, Borough-Market-on-sea or so.

The Suffolk and North Norfolk coastal towns do a nice line in second homes for the Range Rover and XC90 set.

Many, if not most of these places were pretty desolate in the 90s. Others are still to turn the corner. Hastings is on the way up but still a lot of junkies and the generally down-on-their-luck in temporary B&B accommodation. Herne Bay is still rough as. Lots of South Essex coastal towns are grim and deprived, maybe not as bad as Blackpool but definitely struggling.

> Brighton reinvented itself as a party town

Rediscovered, maybe. It has long been a party town, from the Pavilion - a faux-Indian palace put up by a Prince Regent in a previous century for seaside parties - Quadrophenia-era nightclubs to being the gay capital of England all before Fat Boy Slim was born.

It’s also the south coast town closest to London, with a direct railway line. Huge geographical-economic advantage over Blackpool.

It was a wonderful place to be a student in the ‘90s.

> Destinations on the South Coast were not affected in the same way

Bournemouth (middle of the South Coast) took a slightly different path and some of the accommodation was repurposed to house students from Europe studying English. IIRC the contiguous strip comprising Bournemouth, Poole and Christchurch is one of the largest non-industrial conurbations in Europe. I moved to Bournemouth in 1988 for work reasons and it always seemed to me like a large studenty-town that happened to be near the Sea rather than a 'seaside town' (i.e. one that is structured around the beach and bucket-and-spade shops). It's also viewed as Brighton's straight cousin. Christchurch, on the other hand, is known locally as 'the last resort' because of the large proportion of retirees in the population.

I also can't resist the old joke that Cleethorpes isn't twinned with any other town but is in a suicide pact with Grimsby.

'Christchurch, on the other hand, is known locally as 'the last resort' because of the large proportion of retirees in the population.'

I must be getting old since Barton on Sea is becoming more attractive as residential destination by the day...

Isn’t a large factor the cheap vacations to Spain and the like sucking away a lot of the tourists? Some areas will still stay afloat, but the ‘tide has gone out’, as it were.

Why play on the cold, stone covered beaches on the few days of sun a year when you can fly for a couple hundred UKP to Spain and have reliable sunshine, warm weather, and sand.

Over here in Ireland the cost of staying in a B&B or “cheap” hotel is eye watering, to the point it is often cheaper to fly somewhere sunny for a longer stay.

It's 15 years since I last stayed in Ireland and even then it was crazy expensive.

As others have said I’m not sure it’s right to say that all of the British coast is run down but there are a few common modes of failed places on the coast.

Fishing ports which now have few fishers left. Long term decline due to overfishing along with Brexit making it hard for them to sell their catch to markets in EU. Grimsby.

The Victorian seaside mass resorts that lost out to cheap foreign holidays. Blackpool.

Places like Cornwall which are full of second homes and outwardly look very nice but mask deep poverty as there is little affordable housing and few good jobs.

Also the definition of coastal is different in the UK, an island with nowhere more than 70 miles from the sea. Washington DC is 85 miles from the Atlantic but still populated by the ‘coastal elite’.

> Washington DC is 85 miles from the Atlantic but still populated by the ‘coastal elite’.

Washington is 31 road miles from Annapolis, which is on the coast of Chesapeake Bay; straight line distance to the coast is shorter.

D.C. is also directly on the shore of the Potomac River where it becomes a tidal estuary.

Despite "British fish for British fishermen" being a significant factor both in the coastal towns themselves and lots of other places where people voted for Brexit.

I know we're not supposed to call Brexit voters thick, but it's difficult sometimes...

As to failure modes, the decline in small and midsize ports generally in favour of huge container ports, Felixstowe etc., also the offshoring of processing either to factory ships (conveniently located beyond the reach of employment law) or distant countries. Quite a few South and East coast places used to have passenger ferry services to Europe and no longer do - Ramsgate, Hull, Great Yarmouth, Folkestone spring to mind but I'm sure there were more.

(By the way, the UK is not an island. For example, you've omitted Northern Ireland.)

> (By the way, the UK is not an island. For example, you've omitted Northern Ireland.)

There is a very, very deep rabbit hole here. Because it's late and I have to be up early in the morning, I'll merely point out the entrance [0] and quietly back away...

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Isles_naming

That is highly pedantic but yes, I should have used Great Britain. Though in fairness even our government frequently forgets that Northern Ireland exists.

In modern time, coastal areas prosper when they have a desirable climate (moderate temperatures buffered by water) or concentrate commerce (e.g. shipping port, especially deep water).

A bunch of the coastal towns in the UK offer neither. They have a legacy of things like small fishing operations, which was significantly more valuable in the past when food was more scarce and fisheries were healthier.

Yeah, you see a similar phenomenon in the northeastern US. Places like New Bedford and Lowell, Massachusetts were doing much better when whaling and textiles were in their golden years. Now, not so much.

Cheap flights and cheap - and reliably warm - holidays in Spain ruined the British seaside town, which were largely reliant on tourism once fishing was taken out of the equation (assuming fishing was in it at all originally).

Anyone living there with any skills or potential have to leave to get good jobs elsewhere. Typical brain drain and related decline.

I don't think it's accurate to say that all coastal towns in the UK are doing badly - I can't help noticing there here on the east of Scotland you have on different sides of the Firth of Forth Methil, which is deprived, and North Berwick which is doing very nicely.

Different histories, reliance on different industries, quality of transport links make a huge difference.

Not even all coastal "tourist" towns are doing badly - I live near Burntisland in Fife which actually seems to be thriving, probably because of the excellent location for commuting by train into Edinburgh, combined with nice beaches, great views (of Edinburgh!)...

It seems to be true that they are either doing very well or very badly.

St Andrews? Elie? Lovely. Methil? Granton? Pass.

Are there examples of “it’s alright” seaside towns above some threshold size?

I was about to argue that I didn't think Granton was that deprived - particularly given all of the new development in that area - but I checked on the Scottish Index of Multiple Deprivations map and it does look pretty bad in places:

https://simd.scot/#/simd2020/BTTTFTT/14/-3.2287/55.9786/

Eastbourne? Better end of alright, but some way short of lovely.

Hastings kind of the other end of things. A fair few problems but not hopeless/desperate.

Main difference between them being Eastbourne's proximity to other prosperous places and slightly better road/rail connection to London.

Beautifully put, an answer approaching literature. I have the same feelings about Blackpool.

Coastal towns really are monuments to another time. The houses are beautiful, too - a two bedroom flat in one of the old guesthouses on the sea front with bay windows is a steal in most towns, if you can cope with the town itself.

Scarborough is another one. It was clearly so much more full of life than it is now, but its status as an elder resort is part of its charm. The poverty, so much not.

Or the beach being closed due to too much raw sewage being pumped into the sea...

Your description of Blackpool is both eloquent and absolutely spot on!

I suggested to my friend that we go there for his stag do; and even for the debauchery of a stag do it felt a bit too grim! To the point that I felt guilty for suggesting it.

Nice story, thanks for sharing.

My parents used to take me for our "exotic foreign holiday" in Blackpool each year (I was from Scotland).

I actually have many happy memories from the time. There was the Doctor Who Exhibition we went to once - nothing even remotely like that anywhere near my home town. Then there was the Blackpool Tower. My parents used to complain about how expensive it was to get in, and I think we only went there once, but on that one trip me and my dad went to see a laser light show set to music (so futuristic!) and also went to a stall that used a video camera hooked up to one of those new fangled computer things that could print out an ASCII art picture of your face (such mind bogglingly advanced technology!) Also the arcades. Again they cost money so it was rare we'd go in, but there was once I was given money to try a grabbing claw machine, and won a pack of sweets. My parents thought I was good at them, and so gave me money to try and win something for my sister, which was a huge boost to my confidence (finally something I was better than my sister at!) Unfortunately I didn't manage to win anything for my sister. It was only decades later that I found out that those machines aren't skill based - there's a dial inside where the operator can control the "payout rate", i.e. the percentage of times the claw goes limp vs stays rigid. (Another childhood illusion shattered.)

Anyway, maybe that was before it got too grim, or maybe I didn't notice because I was so young, or maybe I just thought that was what England was like:-)

One awful thing I remember though was just how filthy the beaches were. The coast was lined with sewerage outlets, so where-ever you swam there would be all sorts of things floating by. Once I picked up what I thought was a funny shaped balloon and started filling it with water and playing with it. I went to show my mum how I could make the balloon bigger by squeezing it, but she just looked horrified and bashed it out of my hand. I had no idea why, but didn't ask, and just kept quiet. I did however wonder what it could have been that was so bad, but the best my innocent young mind could think of was that perhaps it was some form of artificial breast for breast feeding, given it was skin coloured and had a teat at the end. It wasn't until many years later that I realised what it almost certainly was.

Having worked on quite a few of those claw machines that made their way in to arcades around the UK and Europe back in the late 1980's and early 1990's, there were a variety of variables we, as software developers, could control, from the ramp up and down of the motors that controlled how fast the claw moved, to how much lag was introduced when responding to your joystick/button input, to how "grippy" the claw retraction was, to how strong the grip remained over time. These made for a more exciting game, which were then translated into a simple user interface consisting of a few dip switches or a trimmable pot that the owner/operator could tweak.

> These made for a more exciting game

Do you work in the ad industry now by any chance?

Why yes, how did you know? By developing new cutting edge technologies we are able to help website operators monetize their content but more importantly improve the user experience through accurate targeting of relevant advertising bringing the user's attention to products and services they might not be aware of. Some highlights I am particularly proud of are the ads that play at the gas pump, the ads that play on your in-car infotainment system before you can start the ignition, and those blindingly bright animated LED billboards that line the city streets and freeways that firmly establish the culture of the city your in.

P.S. It's joke. I adamantly refuse to work on anything adtech related. When I stated "for a more exciting game" I clearly didn't indicate who it would be exciting for.

I loved the Doctor Who exhibition in Blackpool. Unfortunately it's no longer there!

Please tell me that writing is a substantial part of your daily work! Or at least that you're prolific outside of your professional commitments? This was written so well..a real delight to read.

This is the coastal town

That they forgot to close down

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0LeL9BUPtA

Your description immediately brought the satirical town of Scarfolk to mind.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scarfolk

You've summed up Blackpool perfectly! It really is a microcosm of Britain - a neglected, dilapidated shit-hole :(

Amazing writing. If you have a book I'd read it.

Well you’ll be delighted: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1789957648

Table of Contents

    1. Setting the Scene
    2. The Tenets of Clean Code
    3. The Enemies of Clean Code
    4. SOLID and Other Principles
    5. Naming Things is Hard
    6. Blackpool's Fading Vitality and the Withering Shadow of Coastal Britain
    7. Primitive and Built-In Types

Idk why but this comment was hilarious, thanks!

Some would say that SLS applies to JavaScript. ;)

For slightly more optimistic well-written stories about the North, try Stuart Maconie.

Any books in particular? Never heard of him before but I'm keen to check him out.

You reminded me of this [0] fantastic review of Sheerness in Kent. Blackpool is mentioned several times in comparison.

[0] https://www.reddit.com/r/unitedkingdom/comments/u2vu5x/i_thi...

I specifically went to Sheerness to go and see the UK’s only scorpion population. A local copper saw me, asked what I was doing, and offered to get his massive UV light out of his car. Saw quite a few!

But yes, otherwise all rather run down. The extreme wealth discrepancy was an eye opener.

I couldn't have guessed that Sheerness had a natural scorpion population and yet somehow it isn't surprising either.

That was one of the most enjoyable comments I've ever read on HN.

> all smelled of old nicotine and damp

Nicotine is odourless.

Oh hm true - I guess I meant tobacco. Whoops!

I genuinely enjoyed reading this. Thank you!