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by toddmorey·2y ago·view on hn ↗
I parent a child with autism. The care needs are intense; the burnout is real. But I can't employ usual burnout mitigation techniques like taking time off or making career / lifestyle changes. The world relentlessly marches forward. However, I've learned human resilience is AMAZING. You'll be surprised at what you are capable of when life asks for it.

Here are a few big insights that have really helped me:

- You never have to feel like doing something to start doing it. This insight is so strangely freeing. It really got me out of my head and the loop that I was in berating myself about motivation.

- The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue. Tell yourself you'll spend 30 minutes on whatever it is. No matter what it is, I always know I can survive 30 minutes of it. However, 90% of the time, the timer goes off, but I don't feel like stopping. I've found my grove and I keep going.

- Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you. CBT works really well here. Don't define emotions as "good" or "bad". Define them as "useful". If the emotion you feel isn't useful, acknowledge it, but realize it's fleeting and let it pass on. Some people like to visualize emotions as clouds drifting by.

"And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

(My grandmother, who survived the Great Depression on a farm, had the Desiderata posted on her wall. https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html)

12 comments
Psa for anyone who has tried this or similar advice and found that: it actually feels physically impossible to force yourself to do things when you want to, as though you’re trying to push an immovable object, and has found that even did you manage to start something, you just feel more exhausted rather than motivated to continue. Please consider getting tested for adhd, because I spent years of my life not understanding why well meaning advice like this just made things worse for me.
Diagnosed. Today is day 1 of meds. Wish me luck!!

Everything the GP comment said is still worth considering. It’s just that you might need some assistance if you’re neurodivergent. Also remember that it’s a spectrum and to be kind to yourself.

Good luck, hoping the best for you.

ADHD is no joke, it can be extremely debilitating. I was force-fed medication throughout my childhood and couldn't stand the physical side effects, which opened the door for several abuse-related traumas.

Now that I'm approaching 30, I am considering getting back on medication. For the last 15 years, I've relied solely on caffeine and weed to medicate which is great for what it is, but just not enough, and sometimes counteractive to my goals.

I'm a bit over 40 and I'm in the process of starting meds again after stopping when I lost health insurance after college. I lost a couple relatives last year and it really drove home the point that I have limited time to live the life I want. I cannot patiently wait and hope good things will come.
Hey hey! As someone with ADHD who coped the same way for a similar time period and has been exploring medication for a little over a year, I would highly recommend trying again even if just for the sake of experimentation (a supportive health care provider helps a ton here).

I've found it to be a better trade-off that's helped me make a lot more progress in addressing the things that worsen my focus/follow-through/ability to take care of myself and help avoid counter-productive cycles of anxiety, depression, and short-term reward seeking behavior.

It's not perfect, there are still undesirable side-effects, and managing medication tolerance (without just endlessly bumping my dose) is something I've had to figure out on my own, but I definitely prefer the feeling of clarity to the fog.

Thanks for the comment!

I have recently experimented with vyvanse 30s, and it's been quite nice. As a child, before I became homeless at 15 and was finally able to stop taking medication, I was being pumped with vyvanse 70s, and it was hell.

I also highly recommend caffeine. I don't primarily get it from coffee or sugary drinks, but caffeine pills which allow me to precisely dose myself throughout the day and analyze the effectiveness. This has worked well for the last decade, but I still don't feel like it's effortless, and that's what I want.

Oof, 70mg is a lot, I can't imagine what that would be like, especially at a young age. Congrats on making it through, sorry that life threw that at you.

I typically stick to just a morning coffee, but I've never actually tried caffeine pills. I suppose if I'm dispensing advice on the benefits of experimentation I might have to look into them, thanks!

I am 11 years sober now. I used to self medicate with alcohol and drugs. It worked but it also stunted me in ways that I am only now reckoning with. There are a ton of options out there for you to try these days. I'd recommend discussing with a medical professional and see what your options are. :)

Regardless, if you are struggling with ADHD, I would recommend going on youtube and looking at videos by a guy named Russell Barkley. He's got a bunch and wow did I feel seen after watching a few of them.

I appreciate that, I'll look at some of his videos later. I consider myself highly functioning, despite an extremely debilitating case of ADHD, thanks to strong coping mechanisms. But I just am mostly tired of feeling overwhelmed while working through my task list. I'd like it to just be easier, the cognitive load is too much these days.

I've been prescribed just about any ADHD medication you can think of, but they all pale in comparison to solid coping mechanisms. I know my options are basically adderall or vyvanse, and I know how I react to them.

Caffeine is a decent substitute most days. What it comes down to is my aversion to the physical response of amphetamine, as well as the long-term implications of blasting my brain with speed every day. I haven't had any drug problems, I take a rational, knowledge-driven approach to the disorder. But I want to feel like I'm at 130%, not 80%. I'll probably return to vyvanse, just much lower doses than I used to be prescribed, and see how that shakes out.

It's hard for people without this disorder to really appreciate the implications. I just lost a best friend last year over his toxic behavior and insensitivity around what he believes is a made-up disease, despite overwhelming evidence for a genetic explanation involving reduced dopamine uptake.

Dude that sucks on your friend. I feel you. I’ve lost a lot of people for the same reason. It’s hard for people to accept that it’s not a moral failing. All I can say is that the ones who really matter will try to meet you halfway.

I too am high functioning and have a system that mostly works for keeping food on the table and the lights on. Professionally I’m doing great in fact. That said, a lot of personal stuff has fallen through the cracks and continues to. Hence the meds. I’m also working with a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and it’s been really helpful. Highly recommend.

Thank you for posting this. You wrote it better than I could. Much respect and appreciation to the parent commenter for the good insights; for some of us though, that first bullet point is a bit of a sore spot. When I initially read the first bullet point I had to close my browser for a while. For decades, I tried to "just do things" or "find meaning in tasks" or do whatever other advice I could find. About a year ago, I finally went to a doctor, got diagnosed, and started trying different medications. It took months to find the right combo of meds, but once we did I was astonished at how I could now also "just do things" (at least, for part of each day). The meds aren't perfect--I have good days and not-so-good days--but I am thankful to have some predictability now as to when I will be functional.

Also, for those starting out, it might take a few tries to find the right med(s). For me, just a stimulant or just an antidepressant didn't do much, but a stimulant and an antidepressant together has made a great improvement in my life.

After decades of frustration it turns out that 'discipline' and 'motivation' are available from the local chemist. You're not actually a bad person. Store bought is fine. You might even find that things like to-do lists and calendars, which everyone always told you to try 'because they make it easier', suddenly actually work for you.

Not meditation, though. F**k that.

Almost, the ones you can get from the chemist are kind of a blunt instrument unlike the ones normal people get, since it just elevates the dopamine levels in the brain continuously, rather than in response to stimuli.
Little pills make a universe of difference.
I think I'm gonna try for an official diagnosis soon. It's bad enough that it has been giving me issues for years, but I had the benefit of a very low stress easy job. I've switched to a much more rewarding and challenging job, but have found out the hard way that living with ADHD has completely burned out any drive I had, so I need to get it sorted out before I run out of runway.
Can you explain how ADHD and things being hard in the way you describe are connected? I don't see the connection, but if it's the case, I should go see a doctor...
At a very high level, the answer is Dopamine. Normal peoples brains have a ready supply of it available and their brains generate some in preparation for doing a task and then continue to generate more as they keep working on things, this is the task positive reward loop keeping the brain focused. For people with adhd, this entire feedback loop is more or less fucked. You don’t get dopamine as you start a task, you don’t get it when you persist with a task, and you don’t get it when you complete a task. So getting things done basically provides no reward, as a result all you get is the negatives from doing the thing, it tires you out and depletes the dopamine reserves you do have available.
> The world relentlessly marches forward. However, I've learned human resilience is AMAZING. You'll be surprised at what you are capable of when life asks for it.

What I'm about to say obviously pales in comparison to raising a child with autism, but entering an ultramarathon/triathalon is a quite good way to experience something like this first hand in a safe environment. The amount a human can actually "go through" when it's asked of them is entirely remarkable.

A friend of mine ran a marathon with 0 training in large part to spite me for laughing at him for saying he would.

Not as extreme as an ultra, but still an unimaginable feat for most people.

I wouldn’t have believed it if he didn’t wake me up to rub it in my face when he got back.

I used to attempt things like that too (long races or tough mudders with little to no training). After doing my third tough mudder and getting injured I realized it's just stupid and a great way to cause a serious, possibly life enduring, injury.
Most people in somewhat reasonable shape could "run" a marathon on zero training. They might take 7 hours and have some minor injuries by the end, but they could finish.
To add a personal anecdote, I once walked 25 miles in about 8-9 hours* with a heavy bag, and then showered & walked to work afterwards. I was kind of out of it, but definitely not falling-down-tired or anything like that.

*I severely misjudged the length of the trip before setting out, thought it was about 5-6 miles.

It must have been a nice day out.
I'd say if you're under age 40 it should be possible unless you're in really poor shape but then again that shouldn't be a problem to get in shape.

As you get older recovery time is an issue it takes a long time to get over hard workout unless you've always done it but even so it's still not like when younger.

Wow. Could they walk the next day? That's seriously impressive.
Yes! This is so true and requires much of the same skill set.
My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door. I've read it innumerable times, but it didn't really start meaning anything to me until well after I'd moved out and needed that kind of perspective.

Also, I like all the points you've made and they ring true because I've experienced them more than a handful of times, but I still struggle to grasp their usefulness when I need it.

It's funny how emotional states can be the exact opposite of what may be best at the time.

Lastly, respect for parenting a child with special needs. Putting most of yourself on hold for an unknowable number of years is a rocky uphill trek. Keep a hold of yourself, but a tighter hold of them.

> My parents had the Desiderata on the back of the toilet door.

An addendum about the merits of fiber, hydration, and exercise could also help in difficult times.

> The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue.

This is one of the techniques I use when feeling burnout or overwhelmed by an insurmountable task list. I set a goal to just get one thing done. Sometimes that snowballs into getting more things done and sometime it doesn't, but at least one important thing got done, which greatly helps my mental state.

> - You never have to feel like doing something to start doing it.

> - The act of doing something is usually what creates motivation to continue.

> - Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management.

Thank you for sharing these. I've heard point #2 many times, but point #1 and #3 are huge insights to me!

> Procrastination isn't poor time management; it's poor emotional management. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you. CBT works really well here. Don't define emotions as "good" or "bad". Define them as "useful". If the emotion you feel isn't useful, acknowledge it, but realize it's fleeting and let it pass on. Some people like to visualize emotions as clouds drifting by.

As someone who has suffered from depression and related procrastination, thank you for your kind words.

I learned about Desiderata from my computer science class at secondary school in Poland. We had to style and type in a text from a piece of paper, and that was what we were given.
I value your comment. It revealed some thoughts I never Had, especially your first point.

When you talked about procrastination, ist reminded me of a Video that I watche every time I feel that procrastination overwhelms my life, which ist usually every 1-3 years.If you dont already know it, i Hope you enjoy it: https://youtu.be/mhFQA998WiA?si=YoO06S48xo8H5fKq

These were the observations that made the most difference in my life too. I also only learned and internalized them after my child was born. He's 3 now and I'm happy to admit that I've grown a lot thanks to him. For the first time in my life I look forward to what's to come next and feel confident to face the challenges.
I've recently heard #1 and #2 succinctly said as "Inspiration follows action."
This is such an amazing write up. Thank you so much for sharing ! Good luck to you.
I'm glad you're coping with a very difficult situation. Jumping on a bit of a tangent I'm fascinated how you swap between 'I' and 'You' in your comment and how it could read differently:

"Be gentle with yourself. Know that you can be scared, frustrated, or angry but don't have to let those emotions define you".

could become:

"I'm gently with myself. I know that I can be scared, frustrated, or angry but I don't let those emotions define me".

The difference is interesting to me.

Edit: You just inspired me to rewrite Desiderata in the first person. I'm not conceited enough to believe that my version is doing more than faintly echo the original text but it was a (self) enlightening process. Thanks

I move placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember the peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

I speak my truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

and so on.