When I only look at what I can see myself, it sometimes looks like this as well. But when talking to (female) friends at uni or colleagues, most of them have had bad experiences that made my jaw drop. Some of the misogynists within the institutions are pretty good at hiding it to those not within their in-group.
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Of course a person can write a book on all the unfairness of this system many ways.
The long and short of all of this is we are giving person A an advantage over person B because person C did something bad to person D, and it just so happens persons B & C have some matching demographic factor.
Putting it that way, I think the racism / sexism of diversity is laid clear. I don't call it reverse racism because racism can go in any direction it's not a unidirectional graph pointed away from white people. An innocent person is catching the short end of the stick as a dark twisted way to right some wrong that this innocent person had nothing to do with, other than skin color. The sick joke of it is that the ameliorative steps to fix racism are also racist.
I get where you're coming from, and im some instances I feel the same way.
At the same time, both can be true and it's not the same in every situation.
It is possible for there to be situations where these types of programs are required and useful for lack of alternatives, and at the same time have unfairly negative effects on the out-group.
I don't know if anything can and will be done to remove the "you're tolerated, but we'd rather have literally anyone else" undertones.
I agree, as a man that has been identified as “not able to understand it”, with “it” being a lot of unacceptable behaviours toward women (and the same is true with racism btw), you become blissfully unaware of it because the behaviour never is exhibited when you’re around, strangely.
But sometimes there are slippages and that’s when the jaw dropping moments start to roll. I seriously revised the view I had of my people skills when it comes to believing to know people and what they are capable of or not. I have been proven seriously wrong, I clearly wasn’t as good at judging people as I thought. It was for me double jaw dropping in a sense: the behaviour itself and the person exhibiting the behaviour, which I would have sworn up and down was unable of something like this.
Sure I see your point, I'm not sure I accept it, but it just seems to me like the idea that there's "stigma" is flat wrong. At best the argument is that there's some sort of sleeper-cells like you're saying. But this angle completely ignores the fact that there are bad women too, who like any large social group will weaponize and profit off the egregiously favorable policies for women (and every other supposedly "marginalized" identity) in place.