▲ 10 points

Ask HN: What is friendship?

by simonebrunozzi·13y ago·8 comments·view on hn ↗

I'm Italian, left Italy at 30 years old, now living in San Francisco. I used to have a few VERY good, close friends. Now I feel friendship is fading away, and I'm not building new ones. A good question I'm asking myself these days is: what is friendship? How does it change from country to country, from age to age?

8 comments

First, I see friendship is an intimate relationship that is not marred by sexual connotations or the sense obligation coming from family ties. It is the purest form of relationship, as it is fully based on choice. Personally I get a peculiar mix of sense of freedom and love from friendships. Building a friendship, I think, comes not only from emotional kinship, but from the regular sharing of experience. One does not go without the other: sharing without kinship makes acquaintances you spend evenings with, not friends. Kinship alone on the other hand is hardly even realized if there is no sharing. In some ways, all the people I consider friends have shared some experience (a bad one sometimes) with me. However, your question comes from a specific place, which is how friendships that are built survive long periods of separation. Some friendships (typically a handful in a life) will survive long separations. It's those persons that will always feel familiar no matter how much time passed since the last time you spoke to them. You will both understand the meaning of each other's words. It's those friends that you feel a bit guilty about for not calling them for so long, but then when you speak to them you realize they're still them, and you are still you. Those friends who always soften your heart a bit when you think about them. Finding such a friend is almost always a surprise, as you don't go looking for them the way you go looking for a relationship with a lady because of her fine back bottom. These kind of connections are less evident, and often hidden. What happens when time and distance makes people grow apart? It can happen, people live, make new experiences and change all the time. I think friendships are a particularly healthy element in life. A friend remembers you for what you were and in a way reminds you of what you were as well. When you speak to your friends, you can shed masks and be brought back to your inner self. Is it possible to change so much that you cannot find that kinship that used to be? Of course. As all things of this world, relationship are subject to fading. Can one avoid it? Maybe. I think that if life makes you grow in such a way that some friendships cannot survive, there's not much one can do. There's a romantic side to this, as when you realize the love of your life has become distant. At the end of a life, I think, one is lucky enough if he or she has known friendship. Just like love. But without all the arguing about who left the toothpaste cap off. :oP These are the thought of a 36-yo who has been away from his country for the last 11 years who has most of his best friends scattered all around.

Matteo, thanks for your thoughts. As always, deep and great.

What surprises me is that there is so much written about flirting, courting, having a successful relationship or marriage, and so on, and so little about friendship (I am referring to things of value. Otherwise, plenty of trash around).

On one side, everybody wishes he/she had more friends. On the other, it seems so hard to keep friendships, to nurture them, to let them survive moves, changes of habit, etc.

Also, after moving, it seems that I am always the one that needs to search for my friends, to call them, to email them, to tell them that I'm back and want to meet. Very few of them, and not often, want to know how's life in Luxembourg, in Singapore, in San Francisco, or watch pictures, or listen to me telling them stories.

Strange. After a while, you start thinking "I shouldn't be putting so much effort to keep it alive. Let it be.", and then they start fading away. Although, I agree with you, the strongest ones really stay pretty much the same through the years...

Unless you change too much, which is what I believe is happening to me, and might happen to people that travel and move too much.

Frienemy: "A "toxic" person who poses as a friend but subconsciously or consciously wishes you harm."

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Frienemy

Fair-weather friend: "A friend who is only a friend when circumstances are pleasant or profitable. At the first sign of trouble, these capricious, disloyal friends will drop their relationship with you."

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fair-weather%...

What you're left with are friends, hopefully.

I have moved quite a bit already (US, UK, Spain, Germany). What I realized is that the older you get the more you have to work for making friends. Just plant a lot of seeds. Events, hobbies, sport and so on. You have to make the first steps, don't wait for others to come to you. As an introvert that is not always easy for me, but the more I do the more I get.

100% agree, that's the same feeling that I have. However, I am not sure what would have happened if I had remained in my little town in Italy. Perhaps it's hard as well, no matter if you move around or not.

Given the many transitions that emerging adults face, it is not surprising that their friendships change as well. Transformations in friendships and friendship networks relate to life stage rather than age. So knowing that a person is 20 versus 26 does not tell us much about their friendships.

Friendship is the art of being friendly to people you secretly compare yourself to every day.

- Shakespeare had this nice poem on friendship. When I see it, Ill give it to you.